Stuck in the middle

I've always been a firm believer in civility between divorced parents. My parents divorced when I was very young and they had an angry relationship, which scarred me, as I tried to avoid taking sides, while still retaining my parents love. It didn't work. Both parents have founds ways through the years to let me know how disappointed they were in me and the fact that I didn't throw myself one way or the other. It sucks.

I decided my kids wouldn't have to go through the same thing and my ex and I maintained a civil relationship for years after our divorce. I would call him to talk about the girls. Even after I married Rob, I could stil talk to my ex perfectly pleasantly any time I so desired.

As far as Rob's relationship with the girls, he made it clear from Day 1 that he was their step-father. They have a father and he was never, ever, going to intrude on that relationship. He believes that there is enough room in the girls' lives to allow both relationships between father and daughter and between step-parent and child to flourish.

I completely support him in this. My mother tried to have us call my stepfather daddy and even though I was a child, I was incensed. I HAVE a father, I said. My father, to his great credit, never allowed my mothers antipathy to chase him away from his children, the way so many dads do. He was always an important and vital part of my life, despite all efforts to exclude him.

The girls, their dad, Rob and I all continued along in a fairly civilized and peaceful manner unit She came along. My ex-husband decided to remarry and his new bride immediately began claiming the girls as her own. The tension began as soon as she swapped rings and inserted herself in our ives.

She was soon dubbed the "stephorse" by the girls' friends, a name that seemed fitting, mean but fitting, especially in light of her behavior, which was controlling to say the least. She would call and leave angry messages on our answering machine, screaming and berating the girls for some imagined slight. She would call, scream and hang up on them, leaving my 12-year-old daughter in tears. One summer visit was marred when she slapped my oldest across the face when my daughter yelled "You're not my mother!"

She started demanding that I be excluded from family events. My relationship with my ex has always been complicated by the fact that we are first cousins, so the family remains in common even after the ill-conceived marriage ended. She wouldn't go to my cousin's wedding if I would be there She wouldn't allow the girls to speak my name in her presence. She started referring to the girls as "her" children.

As the years wore on, her behavior became even more egregious. She wouldn't go to any family event when my oldest daughter was graduating from college. She tried to hold a brunch where I was specifically excluded after my daughter's college graduation. The brunch was to be held at my father's house, which she and my ex traditionally (remember my ex is my dad's nephew -- the whole first cousin thing) visited when they came to town. She refused to go the the party my daughter had organized rather than have one or the other parent take charge, taking her son to a museum instead.

When my youngest was graduating from high school, the stephorse made sure that she and the ex steered clear of any events where I would be present. From time to time, the girls would stand up to her -- at great price. The ex is known for screeching diatribes and chilly silences when her wishes have been thwarted. She is one of those people who enters a room and demands that everyone there adjust their behavior to her wishes. If it's too hot for her tastes, she will demand the temperature be lowered; if the food is too spicy it has to be re-made. If people are too loud, they need to be quiet.

My oldest daughter finally decided that enough was enough. She now has children of her own and doesn't have the time or energy to continue the ridiculousness. I don't care. While I can't say I enjoy the company of the stephorse, she doesn't really have much of an effect on me. Like most people who take themselves way too seriously and demand the world follow suit, she is easy to ridicule, but I do that behind her back, of course.

The only thing the stephorse says in her defense is that I once yelled in my own home at our dog to be quiet, and somehow, some way this offended her so deeply, she decided that she could never be around me again. In the meantime, she continues to make every effort to create discord and strife. She won't allow her son to be around me, although I've never been anything but welcoming to the poor kid. It's not his fault he was adopted by a lunatic.

I don't care about this woman and her claims to my daughters. They're adults and they can handle their own lives. What I resent, however is the fact that they claim to be stuck in the middle. I don't care about this woman. I'm not playing. There is no Middle.

No. Seriously. I. Don't. Care. I can be in the same room. I will be civil. I will smile and share food and my family. I know how to behave. I was raised with a modicum of manners. This is not my fight. Both Rob and I have always wondered why we provoke such irrational anger on the part of various ex's and steps. But we're not the ones fighting. We prefer to spend our days sitting around playing with our dogs. The drama ends here.