What if

What if you woke up and you realized that you actually wanted to get out of bed? What if you actually believed it would be a great day? What if instead of constant gnawing fear you actually are feeling hopeful?

I've been feeling especially lucky lately. I just found out that Lindsay is pregnant. She and Ryan have been trying to conceive. It's early yet, but hopefully everything will be OK. Tthe idea of having a grandchild living nearby is exciting. I couldn't love Cody and Alex more and it breaks my heart that we don't live closer. I feel so cheated out of their lives. And even though having a grandchild nearby does nothing to alleviate the distance from the boys, perhaps it will take some of the sting off.

I'm already looking forward to years of county fairs -- we'll have to take pictures on the ponies like we did for Kaia. Then there are all the fun things about growing up -- school performances, Little League (which is almost guaranteed) and there's no downside. No stretch marks, no morning sickness.

With that to look forward to, there's also the joy of writing, which I'm doing pretty much full time these days. I'm realizing that it was a huge mistake to have ever stopped writing, and it feels so good to have it back. Not only that, but I'm having such a great time driving all around Ventura County getting to know people and learning all about this place. Ventura County is one of the most beautiful places in the world and I regularly am covering events from the beach and to the mountains and everywhere in between.

The people I'm meeting are amazing too. I don't think I was ever fully aware of how many people in this world work very hard to make it a better place, whether they give their time and money to creating an art gallery and haven for the poor Hispanic young people in Oxnard or they're working on a holiday to make sure the hungry get fed. I meet artists who are bringing beauty to the community and people who are trying to help the homeless.

When I'm not going face to face, I'm at all the fun events I've always been too lazy to visit. Long ago, I used to actually take pads of paper and take notes when I would go places, just to keep a record in case I wanted to write about it later. It was ridiculously pretentious and silly, but now I do it because it's how I make a living.

It's hard to let go of the gripping fear that so dominated the past few years. We've had so many things go wrong and we haven't known from week to week how we were going to make it through. It's not something you dwell on because it will consume you, but the terror is there all the time. In some ways it's very focusing, but I'd rather focus on more enjoyable things, like the name for my new grandchild.

Lindsay, apparently thinks Rob's and my name suggestions for the baby, Falcon Guzik for a boy or Ooga Guzik for a girl are "silly." She obviously doesn't recognize creative genius.

Rob has yet to forgive his parents, and by extension the world, for the lie perpetrated on him when he was 4 and his parents promised him they would name his new little brother Dewey because then it would be Huey, Louie and Dewey for Rick, Rob and -- well Dewey. His parents assured him that his brother had been named Dewey, and when he found out they had lied and he was actually named Jon, Rob knew that no one should ever be trusted again. A hard lesson to learn at 4. They tried to tell him that his brother Jon's middle names was Dewey (it's David), but Rob found out that too was a fabrication. This time, Rob has vowed, his wishes will not be thwarted.

Rob also says we will probably get in a car wreck, but I already got hit by a truck, so I shouldn't be due for a while (knock on wood.) Rob's back in school and loving it and the master chorale is really fun this year now that I'm getting to know people better.

I'm working on my weight, realizing that with my fragile legs, the more weight I'm carrying the more difficult it will be for me to walk in coming years.Both Rob and I are trying to eat a healthier diet overall. I've lost 40 pounds so far and am wearing all of my thin clothes. But I have to lose more weight because any extra weight at all is a really bad idea as I age.

So now there's not always a crushing sense of despair when all the sleep has been slept out and there's no choice but to get up and face whatever disaster lurks or head off whatever calamity threatens. Progress. Wonderful.